Children often see no fundamental problem in their own behavior – an interview with child clinical psychologist PhDr. Mgr. Martin Slabý, Ph.D.

September 2018

Psychologist PhDr. Mgr. Martin Slabý, Ph.D. has extensive experience in various areas of psychology. He is currently one of the few psychologists in his region who are certified in the field of child psychology. He is a father of three and works in Olomouc. More at www.adialog.cz .

 

Why child psychology in particular? Isn’t it depressing to see the worries that even young children have to deal with?

It was a long journey to child clinical psychology. I began working with children as a volunteer while studying at the law faculty, and later studied psychology. I worked with blind children, children with physical disabilities, and hyperactive children. After obtaining my certification in clinical psychology, I had the opportunity to become certified in child clinical psychology as well. I realized that if I wanted to be good at something, I had to specialize, and working with children was the obvious answer. It certainly isn’t depressing for me. Rather, I find it fulfilling when I see even a slight improvement.

What do parents most often come to you with when it concerns their children?

Parents most often come to my office for assessments due to attention difficulties and hyperactivity, as well as problems within the autism spectrum. Anxious children are also common, as are children troubled by various specific fears.

Leaving aside pathologies and mental disorders, when should parents pay closer attention in everyday life with their children and seek professional help?

In my view, what matters is how the child functions in everyday life. If they are struggling significantly in some area (for example, forming relationships with peers, learning new things, or overcoming ordinary uncertainties in life), it is a good idea to consult their pediatrician, who may suggest an appropriate way to help.

What does such therapy actually involve?

It depends on whether the therapy involves only the child, meetings with the parents, or several members of the family system at the same time. Personally, I believe that it is not information but experience that changes things. That is why therapy with children usually takes the form of play, for example using a sandbox, drawing, modeling, or various pictures, and sometimes through imagining stories.

When you talk to children, are they able to tell you openly what is troubling them? Are their parents present?

Usually, I first meet with the parents and children together, and then, depending on the nature of the problem, with the children alone. I remain in contact with the parents so they can tell me about new developments and so that I have an idea of how each person views the problems. If children are unable to talk about the problem verbally, for example because they are very young or because they do not see any problem themselves, problematic behavior often emerges during play.

And the purely practical side of things: who pays for the therapy?

Healthcare is covered by health insurance companies with which our healthcare facility has a contract.

After all those conversations with children, you must have a good sense of what troubles them most often. What do they perceive as the most pressing problems?

Children often do not see any fundamental problem in their own behavior because of their limited introspection. The most common problems that trouble parents, on the other hand, are attention deficit, hyperactivity, difficulties related to the autism spectrum, as well as anxiety and phobic conditions.

And conversely, what is most important to children from their perspective? What do they value most?

In my view, the most important thing for children is a functioning family in which the father also takes part in raising them. They also need structure, rules, and consistency from their parents. Finally, suitable leisure activities focused on movement and the development of social skills are important – for example, the Scouts.

It is often said that a parent should have authority and command respect. Yet in the same breath, people add that children should not be hit. So how can parents gain natural authority and ensure that their child listens, without threatening to smack them?

If I want to influence something, whether as a parent or as a psychotherapist, I need to have a good relationship with the child and devote time to them. At the same time, it is important for children to be able to look up to their parents as role models. Rather than punishing children, it is better to guide them through positive motivation – for example, reinforcing desirable behavior with praise. It is important to be kind but also consistent, and to insist on following rules agreed upon in advance.

There are still times when I simply don’t know what to do. I explain things, reason with the children, try everything I can think of, but the child still refuses to listen. Sometimes they even scream their head off. Yet there are situations when they really must obey, such as when they refuse to dress warmly, brush their teeth, say hello, say thank you, swallow medicine… What should I do?

As a psychologist, but also as the parent of three children, I sometimes don’t know what to do either and find myself hesitating. It can be difficult to say in advance what will work. Besides, it is natural that we all make mistakes and do not always make the right decisions. I have found it more useful in each situation to look for and consider which approach would be most effective. In my opinion, a crazy person is someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. That is why it is good to try things, combine approaches, and come up with creative solutions. What worked yesterday may not be effective today.

In addition, most parents have to deal with another major event: the birth of a younger sibling. How should they prepare their firstborn?

It is natural that another sibling is demanding not only for children but also for parents. I think parents experience fear, worry, and jealousy too; they just may not admit it openly. In my view, it is impossible to prepare for everything one hundred percent. It also depends on the number of children, because when there are more of them, they usually find it easier to accept. Of course, there is general advice – for example, talk about the baby in the family before the birth. Involve all family members in the preparations and then in caring for the baby. After the birth, talk openly about feelings and about how natural jealousy is, and place great emphasis on the fact that parents love all their children equally, even if at a particular moment they need to care for one of them more. It is good if no child is left on the sidelines and the parents devote time to all of them.

What should be avoided when living with the new member of the family?

Try to ensure that no one in the family feels that the others do not love them or pay attention to them.

What about toys that the older sibling has gradually received and that the younger one naturally takes an extraordinary interest in? Where is the line between respecting the older sibling’s ownership and the purely practical consideration that there are already plenty of toys at home, so why spend money on more when there is nowhere left to put them?

In my opinion, it is good for some toys to be shared, so the children have to agree among themselves about who will play with them. Then there are toys that belong to someone, and if somebody else wants to play with them, they have to ask first, or play with them while being prepared for the owner to have the right to take them back. It is important to find a balance between when I should intervene in the children’s conflicts and when I should leave it up to them.

Do you have any advice for parents on how not to go crazy from all of this?

I would probably recommend keeping a healthy distance sometimes, using humor, not taking everything too seriously, and not trying to deal with every little thing. Rather than focusing on advice, I would emphasize natural intuition and try to develop it. Instead of looking to the future with horror at all the bad things that could happen, it is better to approach life with curiosity about what will come next and what new things I will learn, both for myself and for the children. It is important to have reasonable expectations of others, but also of yourself.

 

Thank you very much for the interview, may it be of use to you,

with love

Romana